


But Who Could Ever Live That Way?

by Fight_sister_fight



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Femslash, Le Passé Devant Nous, Lesbian Sex, Long Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-07 19:34:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12239298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fight_sister_fight/pseuds/Fight_sister_fight
Summary: AU in which Delphine is Cosima's boss who forces her to babysit a son that she's never mentioned before. Inspired by Le Passé Devant Nous.





	But Who Could Ever Live That Way?

**Author's Note:**

> As said in the summary, this is inspired by Le Passé Devant Nous (Past Imperfection). I saw the movie some weeks ago and I really love it. This story doesn't follow the movie (it's too good to even attempt to recreate with my poor writing) and I changed the names, but Delphine does have a son that she abandoned at birth and a serious fear of commitment. It has a happy ending though.
> 
> This started out as a one-shot, technically it still is, just an almost 20,000 word one-shot...
> 
> The title is from Vampire Weekend's Ya Hey.

 

* * *

 

Delphine lets out a sigh of relief when she sees Cosima in the break room that is used by their small team. She pulls Florian along by his hand and he struggles to keep up with his mother's tall legs.

The dreadlocked scientist is sitting cross legged on the couch, shoving a spoon of yogurt and granola inside her mouth. It's a small wonder that Cosima's in so early, she has a habit of being late.

Cosima's behavior has always been on the border of unprofessional. Delphine's had several talks with her about coming in on time, using professional language, covering up her tattoos. The girl hardly ever seemed impressed by Delphine though. Not like Scott, who feared her or Ira and Paul who at least respected her enough to accept her advice or suggestions.

It's not that Cosima doesn't respect her, but the dark haired woman is very sassy. She does whatever she wants if she feels it's the right thing to do. Plus she has a childish sense of humor, finding delight in annoying doctor Leekie and messing with Ira's carefully arranged desk. Most of the times she pretended to be annoyed, but Cosima's cheekiness was adorable at times.

Besides, she has to admit that there is definitely a sweet side to it as well, like when she'd sneaked in a cake on Delphine's birthday or the origami frogs and cranes that she occasionally found on her desk.

Cosima also likes to flirt shamelessly with Delphine. When both Leekie and Paul had pointed it out she'd tried to deny it, arguing that the dark haired woman flirted with anyone. But she'd come to realize that it wasn't true, Cosima never flirted with anyone else. Delphine was apparently the only one who received the teasing comments that would make her cheeks flush and her stomach flutter. 

Most of the times, she doesn't really react to it, but deep down she's flattered. After all Cosima's a beautiful woman.

When Cosima'd first joined their research team, Delphine had tried to get Aldous to switch the dreadlocked and nose ringed freak to another team. Aldous had refused though and that turned out to be for the best. She feels ashamed now for judging Cosima on her quirky appearance. She's a brilliant scientist and an unconventional thinker. Their little team has certainly benefited from her knowledge.

 

'Thank God, you're here,' she mutters as Cosima turns around to greet her. She points at the boy next to her. 'This is Florian.'

'Hi Florian,' Cosima coos. 'I'm Cosima.' But the boy shies away and hides his face in Delphine's skirt. 'Is he your nephew or what?'

'He's my son.' She swallows nervously.

Cosima looks up, her eyes incredulous. 'I didn't even know you had a kid.'

'He lived with his father,' Delphine replies softly, without offering an explanation on why Florian is with her now. Then she kneels down in front of her son and says: _'Tu dois rester ici avec Cosima. Elle va jouer avec toi. Je serai de retour dans quelques heures.'_

'What?' Cosima mumbles, her mouth full of yogurt. 'You said my name. What did you say to him?'

'I said that he is going to have to stay with you for a few hours and that you will play with him.'

Cosima snorts. 'Ha. Yeah right.'

Delphine doesn't join her laughter.

'Whoa? What? You can't be serious!'

'I'm sorry, Cosima. But my babysitter called in sick today. You'll have to watch him this morning. This meeting, it's very critical. I can't take him with me.'

'I'm a researcher, not a professional babysitter. What the hell dude? I'm employed here for my degree in biology. I'm not your personal assistant. Why don't you call a daycare or ask Delilah from the reception or whatever?'

'It is only for a few hours. I can take this afternoon off, but I really have no other option for this morning. My usual babysitter doesn't work for an agency. I tried calling one, but they said this is too short notice.'

'No way. I'm not babysitting your kid. Have you lost your fricking mind?'

Delphine stiffens. She doesn't understand why Cosima is being so defensive. Does she have to be so rude and obstinate? Doesn't she understand that Delphine wouldn't ask if she had any other options? Mixing up her personal and professional life like this is the last thing she ever wanted, but she has to appear for the meeting. Aldous had hinted at a possible promotion, she can kiss that goodbye if she calls off the meeting.

'I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. And I thought we already had a talk about professional language, Cosima. I don't want to hear slang in my lab.'

The younger woman doesn't answer, instead she's staring at the window, sulking.

'You know, it's really sexist that you expect me to do this. You wouldn't tell Ira or Scott or Paul to do it. It's just because I'm the only woman around here. I thought the two of us were supposed to stick together as women.'

Maybe Cosima is right, but Ira, Scott and Paul aren't there yet and she needs to leave in five minutes. Plus, she figured Cosima would like kids, she often talked about her nieces and nephews.

'I don't treat you differently because you're female,' she tells the girl. 'I'm your supervisor and you'll do this unless you want to get fired.'

Cosima rolls her eyes, obviously unimpressed, and it infuriates Delphine. She is Cosima's superior, does this woman not realize their respective positions? Does she not care at all about her job? She knows that Cosima's only working at Dyad temporarily, hoping to get a PhD position for the next academic year, but still.

'You can't even fire me. You're like, only one step higher than me on Dyad's corporate ladder. Which is still pretty fucking low.'

'I have a lot of reports on you being late,' she threatens. 'And on all the times you had to leave because your brother or one of your _many_ sisters had an emergency. Don't make me show those reports to Aldous, Cosima.'

Her tone is icy and she knows that even Cosima is not reckless enough to argue with her. She can see the anger in Cosima's eyes, the frown, the tenseness of her jaw. Cosima is unbelievably beautiful when she's angry.

'Whatever. If you want to play it like that, fine.' She can hear the threat that Cosima isn't uttering. _Just don't expect me to ever be nice to you again_. 'There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.'

'I'm glad you're aware of that,' she mutters, equally passive-aggressive. She pries Florian's hand away from her leg. The boy has lost some of his shyness, staring at Cosima with an open mouth. The other woman smiles halfheartedly.

'I like your hairs,' he tells her. He's a sweet kid. Disarming. And Cosima lets out a gentle laugh.

'You wanna feel, buddy?' She offers him some of her dreads and with a careful finger he feels their structure.

'I'm leaving now, Florian,' Delphine tells him. 'Be good.'

He hardly looks at her before leaving.

 

* * *

 

'Wow,' Scott mumbles when he comes in half an hour later. 'So she just left and ditched the kid with you?'

'Yeah.' Cosima sighs. She still can't believe that Delphine did something like that. Sure, her blond boss could be a pain. She was way too serious for her own good, but Cosima liked that, it was kind of adorable. She liked to tease Delphine, to flirt with her. Just to see her lose control a little bit when her cheeks turned red and she'd stumble over her words.

Most of the time Delphine didn't seem to mind too much. She'd laugh at Cosima's jokes (especially the ones about Leekie) and Cosima was certain she could sometimes see longing or arousal in Delphine's eyes when things became a little heated.

Sure Delphine had chastised for her unprofessional behavior a couple of times, but still, she hadn't expected Delphine to force her into babysitting her kid. She hadn't even asked Cosima, she'd just expected her to do it. It wasn't that Cosima didn't like kids, she did. But what was next? Delphine ordering her to get her coffee? 

She didn't even know her supervisor had a kid. She sure as hell never talked about him and there were no pictures or drawings in her office.

'Did you know she had a son?' Cosima asks.

Scott shrugs. 'No. We never really talk about anything other than work. Doctor Cormier is a very private person.'

Cosima nods. Delphine was definitely a very private person, not one to open up easily. In the months that she's worked at Dyad, she hasn't really gotten to know her. But a kid. That was kind of a big deal. She feels sorry for the curly haired boy in the corner of the room. Delphine had kept quiet about him like a dirty secret.

'I still can't believe it,' she shakes her head. 'She's always lecturing me on professional behavior and then she brings her kid to work... It's a lab, not a fricking daycare!'

'You should go to doctor Leekie and report this,' Scott mutters. 'Maybe he'll fire her.'

Cosima snorts. 'Um, yeah no.'

'What?'

'Leekie is not going to fire her for this. He has the hots for her. And I don't want her to get fired, Scotty.'

Her coworker rolls his eyes. 'You have the hots for her yourself. You wouldn't take this from any other coworker. You know as well as I do that she's bluffing with those reports. She can't fire you and if she showed doctor Leekie those reports, he'd probably just give you a warning.'

'Well, she is pretty hot.'

'Gross, I don't want to think about you and doctor Cormier like that.' He shudders. 'She scares me. I can't believe you're going to let her use you. And I can't believe she just dumped her kid here. What kind of a mother leaves her son with a random employee?'

'Hey, I'm not some random employee. We have a deep bond that consists of me flirting with her and her blushing prettily. And her giving me an ass chewing every time I'm late or I say something offensive to doctor Leekie.'

A small voice pipes up and a little finger points in her direction. 'You said ass!'

They both look over at Delphine's son, who's playing with some Lego in a corner of the room.

'Yeah, okay, so maybe we should like not talk about her while he's here so he won't tell on us at home,' Cosima whispers, her hands gesturing awkwardly.

 

Florian is a good kid, Cosima decides an hour later. He's calm and so far he hasn't cried nor has he pooped, peed or puked on her, which is more than she can say about any of her nieces and nephews. Of course he's not a baby anymore, but still, for a five-year-old who just got dumped with a stranger, he's a trouper.

'You want to get some candy?' she asks him and his eyes grow big. She ponders it for a moment. 'I bet your mom never lets you eat candy.'

'Delphine has cake for dinner sometimes,' the boy mutters and Cosima snorts.

'Yeah right, keep on dreaming, pal.'

'Mary-Ellen says candy rots your teeth.'

'Only if you eat like tons of it.' Cosima doesn't ask who Mary-Ellen is, instead she pops some coins into the vending machine in the hallway and pulls out a chocolate candy bar. 'But I guess if you don't want this, I can eat it by myself. Your choice, kiddo.'

'No!' The little boy giggles and jumps up and down excitedly when Cosima breaks the candy bar into two and offers him the bigger half.

'I like it.' His face is smeared with chocolate afterwards and Cosima carefully wipes it with a tissue.

 

She doesn't really know whether it was a good idea to feed the boy chocolate, because he's definitely on a sugar rush moments later. She chases him along the corridors, playing tag. To her great relief they don't run into people. She can already imagine doctor Leekie's face if he would encounter her running after a kid. The guy dislikes her enough as it is. Fortunately the hallways are deserted like always and eventually Florian tires and they walk back to the break room.

He sleeps in her lap for a while and she closes her own eyes as well, enjoying the little mid-morning nap. She's always thought that Dyad should support those.

 

'Cosima? Cosima, _lève-toi_!' A warm and sticky hand touches her face and puts her glasses on her nose. It flicks her nose ring. 'Wake up!' Florian has a stern look on his face and she's immediately reminded of Delphine.

'What?' Cosima mumbles as the boy wriggles in her lap.

'I'm awake.'

'Yeah buddy, I can tell.' She stretches her arms and yawns. 'Okay, so what do you want to do?'

 

* * *

 

'But what the people of Lego Town don't know is that there's a thief among them... He's moving slyly through the village at night, thinking about which house he's going to rob...'

Delphine can hear Cosima's voice, excited and low, but she's interrupted by a high-pitched:

'-Police, freeze! I'm going to arrest you, you filthy thief!'

She listens to the laughter and high shrieks from the both of them before she opens the door. Both Cosima and her son are lying on their bellies, giggling as they move their Lego figures.

' _Salut_ ,' she mutters and Cosima sits up, refusing to meet her eyes.

It annoys her how easy it seems for Cosima to connect with Florian. They appear to have bonded so quickly and effortlessly. Florian basks in Cosima's undivided attention.

She feels guilty, she should be glad that Cosima likes the boy instead of leaving him to his own devices for the hours that she was gone, but she can't help the jealous feeling in the pit of her stomach.

'Florian, _maman est là._ Collect your toys and we will leave.' She almost chokes on the word _maman_. Why is she saying that? She's never used the word before.

' _Non. Je veux rester avec Cosima_.'

'You cannot stay with Cosima. She has to work.'

Cosima sits on her knees and pulls the little boy in her arms. 'I'm sorry buddy, but I kinda have to.' She looks Delphine in the eye as she adds: 'Or your mom will fire me.'

It's a low blow and Delphine rolls her eyes.

 _'On y va._ Come on, Florian. Don't be difficult.'

' _Non. Je ne veux pas._ '

' _Allez_.' She kneels down and sweeps his pieces of Lego together.

' _Non_. You're ruining everything!' His small fingers dig into the skin of her arms and try to make her hands stop moving.

' _Arrête!_ '

 _'Tu dois arrêter._ I don't want to go with you!'

Cosima's watching it all with an awkward look on her face and Delphine rubs her forehead in exasperation. ' _Florian, arrête._ Work with me please. We'll go do something fun this afternoon. We can go to the movies.' She knows she's basically bribing the boy, but she doesn't need Cosima to see what a horrible mother she is. It's bad enough that she had to mingle her private and professional life like this.

' _Je ne veux pas._ '

Finally her temper gets the better of her. She brushes the toys together and throws them in his bag and then she tries to wriggle his arms into his coat. He kicks her in the stomach with his little feet.

'Whoa, buddy,' Cosima shushes, pulling him away. 'Don't do that. You'll hurt your mom.'

Florian just pouts, wrapping an arm around Cosima's neck and leaning into her, obviously upset about the whole situation. 'I don't care. I want to stay with you.'

'You can go,' Delphine tells Cosima with a stony look on her face. 'I can manage.'

Cosima lets Florian go, but doesn't move from her spot. She watches as Delphine tries to force Florian into his coat again, but the little boy starts to kick again, his little arms flail around in anger, and when a little elbow hits her nose, she shrieks in pain.

It's bad. She immediately sees the worry on both Cosima's and Florian's face. Something wet runs down her face. It's blood.

Blood is running down her face and dripping onto her expensive white blouse after her five-year-old elbowed her in the face because he'd rather stay with her angry subordinate than with his own mother.

'Shit. Fuck,' Cosima mutters. She forces Delphine down on the couch and manages to find some tissues somewhere. She hands them to the blonde and sits down next to her.

'Put those to your nose and pinch your nostrils closed, okay? Are you feeling like, dizzy or sick?'

She shakes her head. 'It's just a nosebleed.' She mumbles.

Florian starts to cry and she clumsily pulls him on her leg with one arm.

' _Je suis désolé,_ _Delphine_ ,' he sobs, pressing his face into her chest.

'It's okay. I know you didn't mean to.'

'Are you going to die?'

Cosima laughs. 'No buddy, she won't. Don't worry. Just... Just don't do that again, okay? Your mom is not made of stone.'

Florian grabs her hand and pushes it to Delphine's sternum. 'Here is a little stone. Do you feel it?' It aches. He's only known her for three weeks but her son already thinks she has a heart of stone.

Cosima smiles. 'It's just bone, dude.' She presses Florian's little hand towards his own and says: 'Look, you have it too. It's your sternum.'

Florian sits up eagerly and feels Cosima's sternum as well. He seems satisfied by his discovery, eagerly pulling at Delphine's hand to make her feel Cosima.

' _Arrête_ ,' she says, pulling her hand from his. 'It's not nice to touch someone without their permission.' Then she focuses on Cosima and mumbles: 'You can go. We'll discuss this on Monday.'

'Let me check your nose first,' Cosima pleads. 'I don't want you to pass out on your way home or something.'

Reluctantly she removes the tissues from her nose and lets Cosima wipe away the remains of blood. Her cheeks flush when Cosima's fingers touch her skin. The proximity of the other woman makes her dizzy. The nosebleed has stopped, fortunately, and she suspects it looked worse than it actually was.

'You still kinda look like you've been in a fist fight,' Cosima giggles.

Delphine shakes her head, unable to understand how Cosima can turn everything and anything into a joke.

'Try to blow your nose, very gently.'

She does. The bleeding doesn't start again and Cosima seems satisfied.

'Do you want me to like drive you home or something? Maybe I should call you a cab?'

'No, I'll manage. We'll be fine.' She stares at the ground and then mumbles: 'Thank you, Cosima. I'll see you on Monday.'

She motions for Florian to come and leaves the room.

 

* * *

 

It doesn't feel good, Cosima decides. Something is wrong.

'What if she like, got another nosebleed and passed out driving?' she asks her colleague. 'What if she's gotten into a car accident?'

'I'm sure doctor Cormier wouldn't have driven home if she didn't think it was safe,' Scott remarks. 'And you're supposed to help me with the cells. We have to inject them after the weekend. We need to get this done now.'

'It's just... I can't help but think that something was off.' Something was definitely off. Delphine turning up with a kid from out of nowhere. Threatening her to babysit him? Delphine, who was the paragon of professionalism? Who was always so careful not to reveal anything personal? The blonde seemed upset. And then her son had punched her in the nose. Accidentally, but it was still kind of awkward for the blonde. And why did Florian call Delphine 'Delphine' instead of mom or _maman?_

Cosima chews on her lip, mulling over her boss.

'Come on,' Scott moans. 'This is just because you have a huge crush on her. You wouldn't worry about someone else like this. Don't forget that she threatened to fire you this morning.'

Cosima rolls her eyes. 'She can't even fire me. She was just being super weird about the kid. Something's definitely up. She's never been so bitchy.'

Her friend snorts. 'Remember the time she called you in her office to tell you to cover up your tattoos because it was distracting your _coworkers_? You thought she was a bitch then.'

'Well yeah, but later I found out that that was just because Paul was pissed that Delphine preferred my method to cultivate the cells over his.' Her hands gesture wildly as she tries to encompass the ridiculousness of that complaint. 'He's such a crybaby to whine about my tattoos just because he's jealous. It wasn't Delphine's fault. She's strict and serious, but not a bitch. And today she was acting super weird.' She shakes her head. 'I just hope she's gotten home safely and that she doesn't pass out or something. Imagine Florian being locked up in her apartment all by himself... He'd have to eat her flesh to survive.'

'You watch too many horror movies, Cosima. Now, come help me.'

She moves to put on her lab glasses and saunters to a microscope. She gets started, but she's sloppy and lost in thoughts. Eventually Scott just groans: 'If it bothers you that much, go check up on her, Cosima. I can't work with you being like this. Just ask Ira to cover for you.'

'Thanks, Scotty.'

 

Cosima hums to herself as she makes her way to the exit of the building.

'Miss Niehaus,' a voice calls. 'Leaving early on a Friday afternoon?'

It's Leekie and she wants to scream. She's never met a man who was more full of himself.

'Hey, doctor Leekie,' she calls cheerily and she forces a fake smile on her face. 'Delphine gave me the rest of the afternoon off.'

'That's awfully good of _doctor Cormier._ ' He corrects her.

'Yeah, she's rad.' If Delphine was there, she'd probably strangle her, but Leekie annoys her so much that she likes to act as childish as possible. Just to see how much she can piss him off without actually getting fired.

'Well, I'll let you go then. Got any big plans for the weekend?'

She nods. 'Yeah, my sister is coming over. She travels a lot because of her job, but she's in town this weekend.'

'What does she do?'

'She deals drugs.'

He looks at her in horror for a moment, but then he chuckles. 'You have a peculiar sense of humor, Miss Niehaus. Enjoy your afternoon.'

'You too, doctor Leekie,' she singsongs and she gives him the finger as he walks away from her.

 

Delphine's building is nice. Really nice. She's afraid of the blonde not letting her in, so instead of pressing Delphine's buzzer, she rings the doorbell of one of her neighbors and comes up with some story about a surprise party. Mrs. Davidson from the seventh floor is nice enough to let her in and she takes the elevator up.

 _'Salut,'_  a small voice calls as the door opens slightly. It's Florian. She ruffles his hair.

'I bet you're not supposed to answer the door by yourself. How's your mom doing?'

'She's taking a shower.'

Cosima steps inside, taking off her coat and looking around the apartment. It's not what she expected. It's very modern and stylish, she had expected that much. But it's kind of cold; there are no real decorations, no pictures. And most of all; it's a mess. It seems out of character for Delphine. There's children toys and clothes and dishes everywhere. An opened bag of chips is lying on the table, as well as several cartons of Chinese and a bottle of orange juice. A plate with half a piece of cake is waiting on the coffee table and the blouse Delphine was wearing today is flung haphazardly over the back of the couch, still stained with blood.

'Wow, buddy, I guess your mom is kinda messy, huh?'

Florian giggles. _'Oui.'_

'And I guess she doesn't like to cook?'

'I told you she eats cake for dinner.' He clasps his hand in front of his mouth and then runs through the room. _'_ _Je t'ai dit, je t'ai dit,'_ he yells as he rummages around to gather some of his toys to show Cosima. They're all new and shiny, obviously he's not lacking anything in that department.

Cosima sits down on the couch, wondering if she should announce her arrival to Delphine. She decides against it. Delphine is way too private, Cosima's very sure that Delphine wouldn't want her to see any of this. She feels like an intruder, but she's worried at the same time, cake for dinner seemed at least dubious parenting.

Florian brings her a book, expecting her to read to him.

She frowns. 'Harry Potter? Aren't you a bit too young for that?' But Florian shakes his head. _'Non, non.'_

'Well okay then. Did you know I have the video game for my Xbox?'

He gapes at her. _'V_ _raiment?'_

'Maybe you can come over next weekend to play,' she promises. 'If your mom's okay with it.'

She goes back to the book and Florian nestles himself against her arm.

 

* * *

 

That's how Delphine finds them, several minutes later, when she steps out of the bathroom, clad only in a T-shirt and panties, her hair wet. She watches them incredulously: Cosima, cuddling up to her son on her couch, reading a book.

 _'Qu'est-ce que...'_ She shakes her head, switching to English. 'What on earth are you doing here?'

'I came to check up on you. I wanted to make sure you'd gotten home safely.'

An angry frown appears on Delphine's face. 'You could have called me. There's this invention called a cellphone, you might have heard about it?'

Cosima snorts, appreciating her joke. 'There is?'

The annoyance creeps and crawls under her skin, urging her to lash out. Cosima can't be here. Cosima can't find out about the chaos that is her life. It was bad enough that Cosima had to babysit Florian, but Cosima can't be in her apartment. There need to be lines. Cosima's messing everything up.

'Well, you've seen that I'm fine. Now go.'

The younger woman turns to Florian: 'Why don't you go to your room for a bit while your mom and I talk?'

The boy stares at her awkwardly and then points at the blanket that's sprawled over an arm of the couch and the pillow on the floor next to it.

'This is where you sleep?' Cosima asks. 'Wow.'

Her subordinate looks up at her. 'Delphine, why don't you explain to me what's going on? I'm getting some very weird vibes here.'

'I don't need to explain anything to you. You have no right to barge into my home like this. It's none of your business how I raise my... my child.'

'You can't feed a kid cake for dinner. Everyone knows that. And Harry Potter is definitely age 7 and up. And why is he sleeping on the couch? Surely you have enough money to buy him a bed. What the fuck?'

Delphine's hands are trembling with anger. She marches towards Cosima and pulls the book from her hands. She flings it onto the floor. Florian clamps himself to Cosima's arm and that annoys her even more. She's so jealous of Cosima and at the same time so terribly angry. And still her heart flutters a little every time she looks at Cosima's beautiful face.

'You have no right to come in here and judge me. No right at all. You don't know-You know nothing. Get out!'

'Delphine, calm down. Please.' Cosima is calm as ever, her hand rubs soothing circles on Florian's shoulder. 'I'm not judging you. But this- this situation is not ideal, obvs. I just want to help you.'

Delphine's breathing becomes labored. The panic is boiling up inside of her. Now Cosima has seen her. Really seen her. She knows. And she can't ever make her un-know. This is why she doesn't let people get close to her. Why she keeps her personal life very strictly separated from her job. Other people can't know what a mess her life is. What a terrible mother she is. They will judge. She feels dizzy. Her professional relationship with Cosima can't be salvaged. Making her babysit Florian was the first crack and now the whole thing has been shattered. Maybe she should convince Aldous to fire the girl. But Cosima's eyes look up at her in wonder from behind her glasses. Cosima, who had taken care of Florian and wiped away her blood this morning, even though she'd been so mean to the other woman. It makes her feel sick.

'I just want to know...'

'-I don't owe you an explanation! Get out!'

The dark haired woman stands up from the couch. She squeezes Florian's hand. 'Don't worry, buddy. I'll be back.'

 _'Arrête!'_ Her French and English get mixed up again. 'Stop talking to him. And get out!'

Cosima makes her way out of the door and Delphine locks it behind her. She lets herself slide to the floor.

Florian picks up the blanket that's hanging half over the floor and hides underneath it.

 _'Je suis désolée,'_ she offers him. 'I'm sorry if I scared you.'

'Why don't you like Cosima?'

She's silent for a moment and starts to clean the room. Dirty clothes in the laundry basket. Dishes in the dishwasher, empty cartons and leftovers of microwave meals in the trash. Florian helps her, putting away his toys neatly in one corner of the room, sorting them by color.

'I like Cosima,' she tells him finally. 'But she makes jokes all the time. Sometimes you need to be serious.'

Her son nods, though she's sure he doesn't understand what she's saying. She doesn't even know what she's saying herself. The truth is that Cosima scares her. Cosima scares her immensely. The other woman is so alive and exuberant. She opens up so easily and seems to be so easy for her to love and to cherish. And every time Cosima smiles, her heart beats a little faster. She's attracted to her. Attracted by her, like a magnet. It's unsettling. It would be so easy to let herself drown in Cosima's dark eyes, in her cheeky grin, in her excited gestures, but she can't.

'I'm going to get dressed, okay?' Florian shrugs. 'We'll go out to get some food after.'

 

* * *

 

Cosima calls her sister the next day.

'Sweet baby Jesus,' Alison hisses when she's told her the story. 'Do you think she's an abuser or something?'

'What? No, Allie. It's just like, really weird. I don't know. I feel like she might not know the first thing about children. I mean, Harry Potter and cake for dinner?'

She can't imagine that Delphine would hurt the boy or neglect him. All the toys indicated that she was at least trying. _Or she was the kind of abusive parent that tried to bribe their kids with toys_. She shakes her head.

'Maybe she doesn't see him often. Do you know how long he's been with her? You said she told you that he lived with his father? Maybe he has custody and the child is just staying with her for a week or something?'

Cosima nods to herself. 'Yeah, could be. But I mean, she'd have a bed for him right? He'd like, stay with her during holidays as well. Her apartment is huge, Allie, there's a second bedroom for sure.'

'Maybe she's like Sarah... Lord knows she loves Kira, but we can't call her the ideal mother, can we? She's trying, but she's just... well, damaged.'

Cosima's sure that their sister would not like to be called 'damaged', but she's left Kira with their mother so many times that their relationship can't be called healthy or stable. But at least Sarah and Kira have their family. Her mother, Felix, Alison, Cosima, Helena. Who do Delphine and Florian have?

'Just... Just keep an eye on that boy, Cosima. But don't piss off your boss. I know you don't care much for the job, but that's not a reason to be reckless and get yourself fired.'

'I won't. I guess I'll try, but I don't think Delphine will let me near him any time soon.'

'We got adopted by mom and dad, Cosima, but not every child is so lucky. We owe it to kids like that to watch out for them.'

Cosima rolls her eyes, having heard this speech a dozen times already. It's not that she isn't grateful for their parents adopting her, but it's not like she had any say in the matter. After all no one chose to be born. 'Yeah, yeah, we're the lucky ones. I'm still not gonna do your charity run for orphans. Or join your neighborhood watch thingy.'

 

So Saturday evening, Cosima goes to a nearby store and loads up on vegetables and ingredients for an actual meal. Against better judgment she makes her way to Delphine's apartment again. She's lucky this time, a family comes out, so she doesn't have to beg anyone to buzz her in. She just hopes Florian opens the door before Delphine does.

She knocks gently on the door. 'Florian,' she whispers. 'It's me.'

The boy opens the door and presses a finger to his lips. 'She's on the balcony, smoking,' he whispers back.

Cosima shakes her head. She can make out Delphine's shape through the large glass doors, but the blonde doesn't appear to have noticed her.

'Did you guys eat yet?' She asks, as she makes her way inside and closes the door.

Florian shakes his head. _'N_ _on_. But there's leftovers from yesterday.'

Cosima waves her hand as she sets the ingredients on the counter and finds an apron for Florian to wear. 'We'll leave them for tomorrow. This will be much tastier.'

'What are we going to make?' he asks as she hoists him up on a stool so he can reach the counter.

'I was thinking of broccoli and sweet potato soup. And I bought some bread at the bakery, which we can use to make bowls of. That's kind of cool, isn't it?'

Florian nods and Cosima starts cutting up the broccoli. She hands the florets to the boy. 'Look, why don't you wash these.' She turns on the tap and when she turns around she sees that Delphine is watching them, almost shyly. She's leaning against a wall, her face expressionless.

Cosima opens her mouth, but her boss gestures for her to be silent as she makes her way towards them.

'Maybe... Maybe you could teach me to cook as well?' she asks softly, her eyes focused on the floor.

Cosima smiles, glad that Delphine's anger seems to have subsided. 'Yeah. Of course, I'd be happy to. Come here, you can cut the onions.'

'I'm really, really bad at cooking.' Delphine's delicate accent makes her chuckle and she places her hands over the blonde's. 'I don't think I've ever cut an onion.'

'I'll help you. Don't worry.' She lets her hands guide Delphine's, cutting up the onions in neat slices and Delphine gasps as her fingers brush the blonde's.

'Look, there you go. You're a pro. And you didn't even cry.'

Delphine nods, though her eyes are shining with tears, but Cosima knows that those are not because of the onions. She doesn't know what is wrong with her boss, but she can feel the tension radiating off of her and she grabs her trembling hand again. 'It's okay. You're okay.'

Her boss closes her eyes and nods. _'_ _Oui.'_  She draws a shaky breath.

 

The three of them work on Cosima's broccoli-sweet potato soup together. It gets kind of tricky when Cosima finds out that Delphine doesn't have a vegetable peeler, but she's dexterous enough to peel the potatoes with a regular knife.

Things feel tense between her and Delphine. She's almost flabbergasted by the contrast between in-control work-Delphine and shy home-Delphine, but Florian is undisturbed. He's very excited about cooking and claps his little hands every time Cosima gives him a task.

 _'C'est délicieux!'_ He exclaims when they sit at the table and he brings the first spoon of soup to his mouth. _'Super bon!'_ He holds up his hand to high five Cosima.

Delphine is silent during dinner, though she does eat her food with gusto. Florian keeps up the conversation though, making silly jokes and telling Cosima about everything and anything.

'Have you ever seen an accident?' He asks her, when he's stuffing his mouth with the remains of his bread bowl. Cosima shakes her head and he opens his mouth, full of half chewed bread and orange liquid.

Cosima snickers. 'Who raised you, you disgusting little boy?'

But then Delphine drops her spoon on the floor and both of them look up at her in alarm.

 

* * *

 

'I'm sorry,' Cosima offers awkwardly. 'I didn't mean...'

 _'Je sais._ It's okay.'

She can still feel the panic. What will Cosima say? When she finds out about how she abandoned her own child when he was five days old? Finds out that she had no part in raising Florian except for the last three weeks?

Her hands tremble again and Cosima covers the left one with her own and squeezes it. 'I'm sorry.'

 

After clearing the table, she sends Florian to bed.

 _'T_ _u_ _veux dormir dans mon lit?'_  She asks him and she changes the sheets of her own bed. He holds out his Harry Potter book and she reads to him until his eyes start to droop.

 _'_ _Bonne nuit,'_ ' she whispers and she squeezes one of his hands.

 

Cosima is sitting on her couch, busy with her phone, but she puts the device away as soon as Delphine exits the bedroom.

'I'm sorry,' Delphine mutters. 'About yesterday. It should not have happened. I should not have taken him to work. I know you're not a babysitter. It's not that I don't appreciate your research skills. I just had a big problem when Mary-Ellen called to say that she was ill. I suppose I should hire someone through an agency so that I'll have a back-up next time. I- I didn't really have much options when I first had to find a sitter though, Mary-Ellen was the only one who was available on such a short notice.'

She bites her lip. She shouldn't have divulged that much information.

Cosima smiles and takes her hand. She looks her in the eyes as she speaks with a calm voice and Delphine gets jealous again. How can it be so easy for Cosima to be so open?

'It's not just that. You didn't even ask me, Delphine. You just told me to. If you'd explained the situation to me... Maybe I'd be grumpy, but I'd have done it. Now you were just abusing your power, coming up with your reports to Leekie. You were forcing me to do this for you.'

She nods, feeling the tears well up in her eyes. Cosima's right. But she doesn't know how. She doesn't know how to ask.

 _'Je suis désolée,'_ she whispers in a small voice and then out of nowhere, Cosima pulls her in for a hug.

'Idiot,' she mutters. 'It's okay. Florian is a good kid.'

She nods again.

'Are you going to tell me the story?'

'I can't, Cosima.'

The dark haired woman is silent for a moment. 'Okay. Just... I'm here if you want to talk, okay? Or if you need anything. Just give me a call.'

Delphine nods, her lips pressed tightly together.

Cosima sighs and brushes a hand through her curls. 'Delphine...'

'I can't. So don't ask me to.'

The other woman nods and then she leans in for a kiss. It's so easy to get lost in it. To get lost in Cosima. In her soft lips, in her smell, in the way Cosima's breasts are pressed up against her own chest.

But she can't. It's too much. It will crush her. She grips Cosima's arms and pushes her away gently, shaking her head.

'Don't tell me you don't feel it,' Cosima's breathing is labored. 'I know you do.'

She nods and a tear runs down her cheek. 'I do. But I can't.'

'Is it because I'm a woman?'

She shakes her head. 'I've been with women before. But... I'm your supervisor and... -I just can't. I'm sorry.'

'I'm sorry too,' Cosima whispers and she leaves the apartment.

 

* * *

 

Delphine is cold towards her the next week. She mostly ignores Cosima, sending Scott or Ira to talk to her if she needs anything. Cosima wants to roll her eyes at the childishness of it all, but she doesn't confront Delphine. If Delphine wants to behave like a baby, let her stew.

She's still wondering about the blonde and her son. It's just so bizarre. She tries to get Scott to help her to put the pieces of the puzzle together, but her friend is not nearly as interested in Delphine's life as she is. Besides that, it doesn't really help that he's afraid that Delphine will kill him if she finds out that the two of them are talking about her personal life.

 

Still she keeps the promise she made to Alison, and to Florian sort of. Saturday, in the early afternoon she shows up on Delphine's door step again.

'What are you doing here? I didn't invite you.' The blonde's reaction is curt and stingy.

'I'm not here for you. I'm here to pick up Florian. I told him we'd play video games at my place this weekend.'

'This is not-' But before Cosima can finish her sentence, Florian has already run towards her. She ruffles his curls.

'Hey bud, I was just telling your mom that I had promised you to play video games together.'

'Harry Potter?'

'Yeah sure.'

Delphine rolls her eyes. 'Fine. I'll come pick him up at the end of the afternoon.'

 

Florian enjoys nosing around in Cosima's studio apartment. He's in awe of her video game collection.

'You have so many games. More than my _papa.'_

'Where's your _papa?'_ she asks, her curiosity getting the better of her.

'In Montréal. In the lake. _Il est mort.'_  He answers.

Cosima gasps in horror at that bizarre revelation. 'What do you mean? Did he like, drown?'

'No. _Un accident de voiture_. Then he was burned and uncle Vincent threw his ashes in the lake.'

He's silent for a moment and Cosima ponders what to say. Is that what happened? His father had custody and then he died and Delphine sort of inherited the kid?

She's shaken from her thoughts when Florian suddenly covers his eyes with his hands. He's crying, she realizes.

'Hey, buddy,' she shushes. 'I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.' She rubs his back and combs her hand through his curls.

'Do you miss him a lot?'

He nods.

'I can imagine. My father died last year. I still miss him a lot too. You know what my siblings and I did with his ashes?'

Florian shakes his head and Cosima pulls down her jeans a little to show the tattoo she got on her hip to commemorate her father.

He touches it with his index finger, carefully tracing the lines. 'Did it hurt?'

'Yes. But every time I look at it I think of my dad.'

Florian doesn't answer. He blows his nose in his sleeve and wipes away his tears before moving back to Cosima's game collection. After a minute he squeals in delight at finding the Harry Potter game and Cosima lets it rest.

She helps him to set up the game and they play in turns, Cosima takes over in the difficult parts, but Florian is a quick learner. His eyes are shining with excitement. She hopes it's not too scary for him, though he vehemently denies it when she asks. She does turn off the in-game music as a precaution and puts on some cheerful children's songs instead so that there are no creepy tunes to freak the boy out.

After a few hours she decides that it's enough. She's sure Delphine wouldn't want her son to become a game addict, though Florian protests and whines.

'Just one more quest,' he keeps pleading, but Cosima puts her foot down.

'Why don't we cook another meal tonight? Maybe your mom would like to eat with us.'

He perks up when he hears that. 'What are we going to make?'

'What do you want to make?'

'Spaghetti.'

 

They make a vegetarian spaghetti and when Delphine comes to pick up Florian, he effortlessly guides her inside and sits her down at Cosima's table.

'Your plate _, madame.'_

_'Merci.'_

'It's good,' the blonde mutters.

Florian beams and Cosima smiles as well.

'We're the best cooks in the world,' the boy declares and his mother nods seriously.

'Perhaps you are. I think this is the best I've ever had.'

The little boy claps his hand at that praise and scurries towards the kitchen counter. 'I want more!'

Cosima laughs as she fixes him another plate.

 

'Thank you for the meal, once again,' Delphine says softly, while Florian pulls on her hand. 'It-it was very nice of you to entertain Florian for the afternoon.'

'So are you going to stop being a bitch?' Cosima blurts as she opens the door to Delphine and Florian out.

Delphine's face falls. 'I'm not a bitch, Cosima. Things are difficult.'

'Well, you brought your kid to work, so don't act as if I'm the bad guy here for playing video games with him.'

'You're not the bad guy.'

'-She's a girl,' Florian interrupts them and Cosima gently shoves him out of the door. 'Go, you little know-it-all.'

Delphine kisses her cheeks quickly and then hurries after her son, who's already climbing down the stairs.

 _'Est-ce que tu aimes Cosima?'_ she hears Florian giggle. _'Tu l'as embrassée.'_  He makes a kissing noise.

 _'Non. Arrête tes conneries.'_  Delphine's voice is strict.

Florian starts singing and it echoes through the staircase : _'Hou! La menteuse, elle est amoureuse.'_

(Oh! The liar, she's in love.)

* * *

 

Delphine doesn't know how, but Cosima keeps being nice at work after everything that's happened. They've never discussed the Friday morning that she left Florian with Cosima and neither of them has brought up the past two weekends. Even though she's been snappy and curt, the other woman is friendly towards her. It's foolish, to be so friendly.

After having dinner at Cosima's place on Saturday she tries to make an effort. She greets the dark haired scientist each morning and attempts to make small talk. Asking Cosima what she did last night or how her siblings are. In her turn, Cosima asks her about Florian and as long as she keeps talking about what they do in the evenings or funny anecdotes, it's a safe subject.

 

On a Thursday morning Cosima strolls into her office and sits down in the chair opposite to her desk. Delphine is rarely in her office, she prefers to spend her time in the lab, but right now she's working on some files for Aldous.

'Are you busy this Saturday?' Cosima asks.

She raises her eyebrows, fully prepared to tell Cosima that what she does in her weekends is none of her business, but one look to those eyes and she can't help but smile gently.

'I'd have to check my schedule.' She wants to grab her planner, but Cosima is quicker and pulls it from her desk. She leafs through it quickly.

'Delphine, this is empty.' The younger woman smiles a toothy grin. 'Were you trying to give me the impression that you had a very busy life?'

She should scold Cosima for her brazenness, but instead she blushes.

'I only use it for personal things. I use a digital one for my work schedule.'

'Yeah, that doesn't make it any less sad.' Cosima winks. 'Don't worry though.' She grabs a pen and scribbles something down. 'Now it's not empty anymore.'

She hurries out of the office before Delphine can say something. When she opens the planner she sees something written down for Saturday in Cosima's untidy scrawl: _YOU + FLORIAN + ME, ZOO. I'll pick you up at 10.30 am._

Her heart rate picks up. She should say no. She should refuse. She shouldn't allow Cosima to come any closer. She shouldn't open up any further.

Cosima makes it seem so easy though. She's running through red lights, ignoring all Delphine's careful measures to protect her fragile heart.

 

Nevertheless she finds herself in Cosima's car that Saturday morning. Florian's sitting on a booster seat in the back. Her cheeks flush when Cosima explains that she keeps one around in case she has to take one of her sister's children somewhere.

Delphine hasn't even thought of buying a booster seat for Florian. Instead she makes him move his arm over the seat belt so it doesn't hurt him. Fortunately Florian doesn't mention it, Cosima doesn't need to hear any other stories on what an awful mother she is.

'What is your favorite animal?' Florian asks Cosima.

'Elephants. They're smart. What are yours?'

'Dolphins.'

Cosima mimics the clicking sound of a dolphin and Florian roars with laughter, trying to imitate the noise.

She likes to listen to them goof around. It almost doesn't matter that neither of them ask for her favorite animal. She doesn't even know. She's never been to a zoo before. There were no zoos near the small village where she grew up and her father wasn't the type to take her out on excursions like that.

'Why?' Cosima asks Florian.

'Because _Delphine_ means dolphin. _Mon papa m'a dit.'_

'Charmer.' Cosima grins, unable to understand the significance behind those words, but Delphine has to swallow the lump in her throat. Sometimes she wonders what Thomas has told Florian, but she can't bring herself to ask the boy, too afraid of what his answer will be.

 

She still feels uneasy when they walk from the car to the entrance of the zoo. Florian is running ahead of them, but Cosima grabs her hand and her eyes are concerned behind her glasses.

'You okay? You're pretty quiet.'

She nods. 'I'm fine.'

'You can tell me if you aren't, you know.'

She doesn't reply. Instead she runs after Florian and grabs the boy under his arms. She swings him around and he screams with excitement, delighted by her sudden playful mood.

 

She's impressed by the zoo. 'I thought they would all be in cages. But they have a lot of space.'

'Well yeah...' Cosima replies. 'I'm not saying it's a great system, but they are very well cared for. And it's the only way children ever get to see animals that aren't native to North-America. Most of the animals are born in captivity, they don't know any better.'

'That's sad.'

Cosima shrugs, obviously not willing to have a discussion about animal well being in a zoo full of people. Instead she kneels down next to Florian, who's gaping at the monkeys.

'Look at that one.' She points at a large monkey. It's a mother with a baby on her back. 'That's cute, huh?'

The boy nods, his curls dancing up and down. 'He has to hold on very tight,' he answers seriously. 'Or he will fall off and his mom will lose him.'

'He knows he'll have to hold on tight, buddy.'

'Do human babies know as well?' His eyes are innocent as he looks up at Cosima first and then turns around to meet Delphine's eyes.

Delphine squirms under his gaze, the lump in her throat and the horrible feeling in her stomach preventing her from speaking. Cosima looks at the her intensely.

Both of them are silent for a minute until the dark haired woman finally murmurs: 'Humans don't carry babies on their back.'

 

They have lunch in a safari themed restaurant and Florian loves it. He happily munches on his hamburger and fries and then devours half of Cosima's salad as a dessert. Delphine blushes when Cosima comments on it, saying that he's the first kid she's ever met that eats his greens without complaining.

'I never give him salad. I didn't know he liked it,' she mumbles, slightly embarrassed.

After lunch they sit on a bench near a busy playground. A comfortable silence lingers between her and Cosima while Florian climbs the wooden structures, mindful of the other children. They see him talking to a slightly larger dark skinned girl and eventually he takes her hand and together they make their way to the highest slide.

'He likes her,' Delphine remarks with a smile.

'Does he see other children a lot? Is he going to school?' Cosima dares to ask, and the smile disappears from Delphine's face, making place for a stony expression.

'Don't, Cosima.' It's none of Cosima's business and she doesn't even know herself whether she should sign him up for school. She doesn't want to think that far ahead.

They let Florian play with his new friend for a while, until a man with a baby calls for the girl to join them and Florian is left alone.

 _'Comment s'appelle-t-elle? Ta petite amie?'_  Delphine asks as the boy saunters towards them.

'Arwen.'

Cosima smiles. 'Like in Lord of the Rings? That's cool, buddy.'

'She thought I was a girl first,' he mutters, a little offended. 'She said my hair is too long for a boy.'

'That's crazy. Your hair is beautiful,' Cosima grins. 'Just like your mom's.'

Delphine blushes and Florian wipes his nose on his sleeve.

She almost feels like a decent mother when she offers him a tissue. 'Don't wipe your nose on your coat. _C'est dégoûtant.'_

 

* * *

 

Time passes quickly. It's past four before Cosima realizes it. She's happy to see though, that both Florian and Delphine are enjoying themselves.

They visit the tigers and the polar bears and stop to eat a snack in the meantime. But when they walk through the crowd towards the panda's afterwards, Florian suddenly runs to the fence. He's yelling something about panda's in his excitement and then all of a sudden he's disappeared in the mass of people.

Her eyes scan the crowd, but she doesn't see a little blond haired boy with a yellow coat anywhere.

Delphine's face is panic stricken. 'Florian!' she yells. 'Florian.' They wait for some minutes.

'He'll come back,' she tells Delphine. 'He knows we're here.'

Florian doesn't come back though. Maybe he's forgotten from which direction he came or perhaps he's just too focused on the panda's to come find them, but they don't see his little face anywhere.

'We'll find him,' she tells the blonde. 'He can't be far.' Minutes pass as they walk around the people standing at the fences, looking at the panda's, but the boy is nowhere to be seen.

Delphine's face is white as a sheet. 'I lost him.'

'He's not lost, Delphine. He can't be far.'

' _J_ _'ai encore perdu mon fils_.'

'We'll find him. We should notify an employee, they can help us search.'

' _Non._ They will make a scene. Please, let's just try one more time.'

'Okay, you go left and I'll go right, keep your phone in your hand, so we can call each other.'

The older woman nods, tears running down her cheeks. ' _D'accord_.'

 

Cosima walks along the panda quarters another time and finally, at the end she sees two women sitting on a ledge next to a crying little boy in a yellow coat. A stroller with a baby wrapped in bright pink blankets is standing near them.

'Florian!' she yells.

One of the women looks up. She's wearing a large hat and she pushes the stroller back and forth with her foot.

'Is that your mom?'

Florian shakes his head and Cosima makes her way towards them. 'That's Cosima.'

'This little boy is lost, is he yours?' The other woman asks. She has a haughty voice and a British accent.

'He's my friend's kid. Jeez, we've been so worried.'

Florian has moved towards her and she lifts him up in a hug. He wraps his arms and legs around her like a baby monkey and she carries him on her hip. There's no way she'll let him walk alone again. At least not until he's been reunited with Delphine.

'I don't think you and your _friend_ should let this toddler wander here all by himself.'

'Rachel,' the woman with the hat shushes. 'Don't be cruel. It's easy to lose track of a kid in a busy zoo. We're lucky that ours can't walk yet. I'm sure they didn't mean to lose him.'

'We didn't, believe me. Thanks for taking care of him.'

'Well,' the other woman, a strawberry blonde who appears to be wearing some kind of cape, starts. 'I reckon you two are united. Please don't get lost again.'

Florian waves as they walk away. ' _Salut_ , Rachel. _Salut,_ Shay.'

 

'That was kinda dumb, buddy,' Cosima tells him. 'I hope your mom isn't worried sick.'

Florian is still a little teary. 'I didn't mean to get lost.'

'You're not old enough to wander about without supervision.'

She ruffles his curls while pulling out her phone to call Delphine.

It doesn't take long before they see the blonde walking towards them. Her face is furious.

 _'Où es-tu allé?! T'es fou?!'_  She's yelling and people are looking at them.

Cosima lays a hand on Delphine's shoulder and rubs it gently. 'Hey, take it easy.' She pulls Delphine along the path, to an area that's a little quieter.

 _'J'étais morte d'inquiétude.'_  Delphine snaps.

'I know you were,' Cosima shushes.

Florian starts to cry again and hides his face against Cosima's shoulder.

Delphine is crying as well. 'Running away liked that... I was scared to death.'

She pulls Delphine close with the arm that's not carrying Florian. It's not easy, struggling between holding up a five-year-old on one arm and comforting Delphine with the other. People are still staring at them and she supposes she looks almost comical.

'I know, I know,' she mutters, rubbing Delphine's back, wondering if her reaction is perhaps a tad extreme. After all, Florian was only gone for 15 minutes at most. 'He's just a kid. He didn't mean to get lost.'

Delphine bites on her lip and nods, the agony still visible on her face.

 _'J_ e _suis désolée_ , _Florian._  I was so worried. I'm sorry I yelled at you,' she sobs. 'I'm sorry for not watching you better. Forgive me. I'm so sorry.'

'Hey,' Cosima starts awkwardly. 'It's alright. It was just an accident. You didn't lose him on purpose.' She hands the boy to Delphine and he clutches his little arms around his mother's neck.

Delphine looks at Cosima after a moment. 'Thank you Cosima, for finding him.'

Florian's hand pulls on the cap of Cosima's sweater and she joins their hug.

 

* * *

 

'Maybe we should go home,' Cosima suggests. Obviously she can feel both her and Florian's mental exhaustion. 'We've seen most of the zoo anyway.'

Delphine nods, though she refuses to let go of Florian. She carries him for a long time, until he finally wriggles free from her arms and insists on walking by himself. He holds onto her hand tightly however.

 _You've scared him with your reaction_ , the voice in her head tells her. _Now he's too afraid to let go of you. He'll get an attachment disorder_. _If he didn't already have one after you abandoned him._

Cosima is very calm. She sings a song with Florian and by the time they reach the zoo's exit the boy seems to have mostly forgotten about the ordeal. Delphine herself can still feel the panic. The all-embracing panic that bubbled up inside her stomach and spread to all her limbs and extremities. The feeling of the little warm hand slipping from her own and the sight of the blond curls and the yellow coat disappearing among the crowd. She shudders and squeezes the small hand that's now holding hers tightly. His hand is sticky and a little sandy, the fingernails caked with dirt. He definitely needs a bath tonight.

It's funny how natural it feels now to make parenting decisions like that.

'Can we go to your house, Cosima?' Florian asks when Delphine straps him in his seat. 'I want to play Harry Potter again.'

'Maybe another time. I think your mom wants to go home. It's been a long day.'

Cosima is right about that.

'Are we going to cook something?'

'You had a huge meal this afternoon and you ate half of my salad! Are you hungry already?'

'A little. Not now, but when we get home.'

'We can make some grilled cheese sandwiches. Do you like that?'

 _'C'est_ _comme un croque monsieur,'_  Delphine explains.

Florian shrugs, seemingly unimpressed.

'You've spoiled him,' she teases the dark haired woman and for a moment it feels like the three of them form an odd little family. 'He's expecting at least lobster or _escargots_ now.'

'Trust me buddy, you'll like my grilled cheese sandwiches.'

 

Florian is grumpy the rest of the evening. Maybe he's still a bit shaken by getting lost or perhaps he's just tired. He doesn't want to help Cosima with her _croques_ and although he wolfs them down hungrily, he refuses to say thank you and makes a scene when he has to take a bath.

Delphine gets in the bath with him and he seems pleased with that, though he still he starts to whine when she tells him to get out and brush his teeth. He's asleep as soon as his head touches the pillow, though. She kisses his rosy cheeks, brushing the wet strands of hair from his face.

 

'I'm sorry he was in a bad mood tonight,' she tells Cosima, who's watching TV.

The other woman waves her hand and her bracelets rattle together. 'It's nothing. He was probably just tired. He's been a trouper today.'

She nods and both of them are silent for a moment. The only sound in the apartment coming from the television.

'Delphine, are you going to tell me-'

'-No.'

'I think you're making it bigger in your head.'

'Shut up, Cosima. You know nothing about this. I told you to let it rest.'

A small hand reaches out to cup her cheek and pushes a strand of hair behind her ear. She doesn't recoil, but she doesn't lean into the touch either.

'Okay. I'm here if you want to talk though.'

It should be illegal to have such a soothing voice. And to smell so good. Her heart thumps in her chest and warmth spreads through her body. It seems as if it would be so easy to open up to Cosima. To let the misery pour out. 

Cosima leans in and she closes her eyes for a second, expecting a kiss, but the younger woman presses her lips to her forehead and mumbles a goodbye.

 

She cries quietly when the door closes behind Cosima, biting her lip to prevent herself from sobbing and waking up Florian.

 

* * *

 

A couple of days later Cosima's driving home after having dinner at Alison and Donnie's, when her phone suddenly starts to buzz.

It's Delphine.

She hasn't really talked to Delphine after their trip to the zoo. Delphine was busy at work. She spent little time in the lab, instead sitting through a seemingly endless series of meetings at Leekie's insistence. The blonde had appreciated the progress they'd made on the cells though. Cosima was sure that Delphine had put in a few good words for her with Leekie, because he had congratulated her with their breakthrough and commented on her sharp insights.

She presses the hands free button on her phone. 'Hey, what's cooking, good-looking?'

 _'Quoi?'_  She giggles at the confusion in Delphine's voice. She knows it's childish as fuck, but she can already imagine the French woman's brow knitting together in confusion, her hand combing through her curls in an effort to figure out what Cosima means.

'Cosima, I have a situation here. I don't really know what to do.'

That sounds serious.

'What's going on?'

She can hear Florian yelling in the background. _'_ _Delphine, Delphine. Je crois qu'il est mort!'_

'What? Delphine? What's wrong?'

'Are you busy? Could you perhaps stop by?'

 _'Il_ _m'a picoré!'_ That's Florian again. She doesn't understand what he's saying, but it doesn't sound good. _'Il vole!'_

'I'll be right over.'

 

She jumps out of the car when she reaches Delphine's building and runs up the stairs. The blonde's face is surprised when she opens the door.

'You are very quick.'

'That's not what your mom said last night.' Delphine blinks and Cosima laughs at her confusion as she looks around the room. Florian is sitting at the table in his pajamas, drawing diligently. He looks up with a smile. Everything looks peaceful.

'What the actual fuck, Delphine? I thought someone was at least dying.'

The blonde bites her lip, keeping herself from laughing out loud. Her beautiful eyes are twinkling and her dimples show. 'Someone was. Well... Not like that, Cosima. There was just a little accident...'

'-A bird flew against the window!' Florian says seriously. 'It fell on the balcony.'

'I thought he was dead so I took him inside,' Delphine mumbles, her cheeks turning red. 'It really looked like it was dead. I suppose he was just pretending for some minutes. I didn't really know what to do.'

'-But then he flew through the room,' Florian interrupts again. 'He pooped on the table and he bit me.'

'He pecked you,' Delphine corrects him. 'It's a pigeon. It was horrible, it flew all around us like it had gone crazy. I closed the bedroom door when he got in there, but now I don't know how to get him out.'

Cosima brushes her dreadlocks behind her shoulders, shaking her head. 'What the f? And you think I do?'

'Well, you have a degree in biology.'

'Yes, in molecular life sciences,' she rolls her eyes. 'Not in ornithology.' She starts to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. Part of her is honored though, that Delphine has called her. It's a good sign, the blonde trusts her. Or maybe, part of her hopes, Delphine really wanted an excuse to see Cosima.

'So, show me your feathered friend.'

'Don't let him escape,' Delphine warns. 'I really don't like birds, Cosima. Especially pigeons. They carry all kinds of diseases.'

Cosima carefully opens the door to Delphine's bedroom and everything inside seems calm. There's no sign of the bird.

Delphine grabs her hand and she tenses. 'Jeez. You scared me.'

'There it is!' The poor bird is siting behind the bed and Delphine is looking at it like it's a terrible monster.

'Did you think of opening the windows?' Cosima asks and the older woman shrugs, slightly embarrassed.

_'Non.'_

She walks up to the windows and opens them. The bird flutters a bit and lands on the bed.

'Should we scare him out of the window?' Delphine asks, her eyes big. 'I don't want it to attack again.'

Cosima looks at her in amusement. The trepidation on her face is real. Is she honestly scared of a pigeon?

'Ssh.' Cosima turns off the lights and both of them stand with their backs to the wall. 'That should calm him down. Now don't move.'

Delphine giggles a little. 'This is probably what Florian and I did wrong. We started screaming and then it flew all around the room to the bedroom and it shatted everywhere.'

'Did you just say _shatted?_ ' Cosima whispers back.

'Yes?'

'You did. Okay. Just checking.'

Delphine giggles again and Cosima decides that she likes this giggly, embarrassed Delphine.

'You're cute.'

She presses her lips to Delphine's, but suddenly the bird flaps his wings and both of them freeze mid-kiss.

'See, it's leaving,' Cosima mumbles triumphantly and she's right. The bird flies out of the window. She runs towards it to see what happens, but she doesn't see any sign of the fowl. Either it flew away really quickly or it's crashed down on the pavement. Anyway, it's not in Delphine's bedroom anymore. She closes the windows.

 

'Thank you for coming,' Delphine smiles as she leaves. 'I'm sorry I made you think it was a real emergency. I'll be more clear next time.'

'There better not be a next time, or I'll charge you for my pigeon-freeing skills.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Um....' She mumbles like an idiot. 'Um, I dunno.'

'I can think of something.' Delphine's eyes are sparkling and Cosima swallows. Her legs suddenly feel weak.

She's nervously adjusting her scarf when Delphine cups her face and kisses her. She kisses back hungrily, letting her tongue explore the blonde's mouth. She wants more, but Delphine pulls back. 'Good night, Cosima.'

 

* * *

 

'Cosima has rescued us,' Florian mumbles when Delphine climbs into the bed that they now share. 'Like Superwoman.'

Delphine lies awake for hours. Should she not have kissed Cosima? Is she willing to open up to Cosima? She knows the younger woman wants more. Could she give it to her? Should she do something to thank Cosima? For the pigeon and everything else? All the things Cosima has done for her. Cooking for her and Florian, taking them to the zoo. But even before Florian: sneaking a cake into her office on her birthday, folding little origami frogs to put on her desk... Could she open up to Cosima? Let her see her murky inside? Her heart is so fragile. It's too soft. It'll break open like an egg, spilling it's rotten contents all over the broken shells.

She isn't sure. Finally, at 4.30 A.M., she asks Florian for advice.

'Do you think we should thank Cosima?' she asks.

_'Oui.'_

'What should we do?'

The boy turns around. 'Cook dinner,' he mumbles, his voice heavy with sleep.

It's not a bad idea. Except that she doesn't know how to cook. But it can't be that hard. She can find a recipe online.

'What should I make?' she asks, but her son has already fallen asleep again. She pulls the sheets up around him and drifts off herself.

 

She slips a note in the pocket of Cosima's lab coat that morning. _Dinner, Saturday, 7.30 my place._

It makes her feel panicky all day. Even Aldous asks her if she's feeling alright during their meeting.

She assures him that she's fine, but her thoughts keep spinning. What if it was a huge mistake? What if Cosima doesn't look in her pockets? What if Scott or Ira or God forbid Paul finds the note? She laughs nervously at the thought of Paul standing at her front door to have dinner on Saturday.

Cosima eases those fears though. Before she goes home, she sticks her head around the door of Delphine's office. 'I'll be there Saturday. I've got the number of the Ontario Poison Centre listed under speed dial.' She sticks out her tongue and grins before leaving.

'Brat.'

 

'Ratatouille,' she repeats to Florian that Saturday evening, her tone a little uncertain. 'It's French. And really easy to make. At least the recipe says so.'

 _'Comme_ _le film?'_  he asks. 'With the rat?'

 _'Je_ _pense_. I don't know, I haven't seen it. It's vegetarian. I think she'll like it.'

She cuts up the vegetables and starts to fry the onion, the garlic and some herbs. Florian stands on a chair, keeping a close eye on her creation.

The next step is to add the eggplant and after that the pepper and the zucchini.

'It looks gross,' her son comments. 'In the movie it was different. I don't know if I like it.'

She pours in a little red wine and the tomato slices and leaves it to simmer.

'We will see.'

When it's done, she lets Florian taste it and adds salt and pepper and a little vinegar on his suggestion.

 _'Ça va_.' He decides.

She takes the spoon from his hand and is pleasantly surprised. 'It's better than I expected.'

The boy shrugs and she pokes his side. 'Hey, be a little more enthusiastic about my dish!'

 

'Wow,' Cosima mumbles when she enters, giving Florian a hug. 'You guys cooked for me, huh?' She winks at Florian. 'What do you think, should I call poison control or will I survive your mom's cooking?'

'She did her best,' Florian says seriously. 'But it's just vegetables.'

It takes a while for Cosima to recover from the laughing fit that Florian's comment brings on.

'It's ratatouille,' she explains to Cosima, her cheeks hot. 'It's vegetarian.'

 

'It's really good, Delphine,' the younger woman moans after her first bite. 'I can't believe you didn't know how to slice an onion three weeks ago. You've made amazing progress.'

'I watched some YouTube video's,' Delphine admits. 'And I bought a new knife.'

There's a proud smile on her face though and she squeezes Florian's hand. 'Plus I had great help.'

'Of course. He'll be an amazing cook, when he grows older.'

Florian giggles. 'Delphine has never seen _ratatouille!'_  He reveals then. 'Even though we're eating it right now!'

'What?' Cosima pretends to be shocked. 'Are you serious? We need to fix that, don't we?'

The boy nods in an exaggerated manner, his curls falling over his eyes and they laugh at him.

 

Cosima finds the movie somewhere online and sets it up on Delphine's TV. Florian crawls into her lap and Delphine curls up next to them on the couch. She pretends to be calm, but her insides are tied up in knots. Cosima and Florian don't seem to notice though. 

 

* * *

 

  
Florian sticks his thumb in his mouth and Cosima feels him getting heavier and heavier. Half an hour later he's asleep.

'Do you want to continue watching?' Delphine whispers. 'I-I actually wanted to talk to you about something.'

It's no surprise that Delphine isn't a fan of animated movies, Cosima thinks to herself. She shakes her head though, she's seen the movie twice already.

Delphine lifts Florian from Cosima's lap. 'You, _mon petit,_ should go to bed.'

She turns off the movie while Delphine tucks her son into bed. The blonde appears to be horribly nervous when she comes back. Her hands are fidgeting and she's biting her lip.

'What's going on?'

'I want to tell you about Florian.' There are tears shining in her dark eyes and Cosima rakes a hand through her curls.

'Please don't,' Delphine mutters.

'Delphine, you don't have to tell me if it causes you this much sorrow...'

'I want to. Just don't- please don't touch me and don't interrupt me because then I-' She takes a shuddery breath. '-I'll start crying and I'll never finish.

Cosima nods gently.

'I... Six and a half years ago I came to Canada for a job. In Montréal. I got into a relationship with a man. I cared for him, but there was no true love. Not for me at least. But after some months I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't planned of course, but Thomas was very happy about it. He wanted to get married and move to the suburbs. But I was scared. So scared. I let him talk me into having the baby, I somehow convinced myself that I could be happy as some suburban housewife.'

She pauses.

'You have to know, Cosima, my mother, she suffered from psychoses. It started soon after I was born. She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital when I was only a baby. My father could not handle it. He drowned himself in work and I was raised by nannies. A different one every six months. He sent me to a boarding school when I was eight. My mother committed suicide a year later. She'd saved up her pills for several weeks and then she took them all at once. No one at the clinic ever noticed. I think my father blamed me for making her crazy. They were this perfect couple, but then I screwed it all up.'

Cosima doesn't interrupt her, but she does offer a tissue. She desperately wants to wrap her arms around the blonde, but she resists the urge.

'I never had a normal family life. I did not know how to do it. I still don't know. And then when the baby- when Florian was born, I felt so overwhelmed. There was all this love and all these emotions and I just did not know... It scared me so much. I could not bear it. To feel so much about this tiny, fragile thing. I did not want to attach myself to him. I was so afraid that I would mess it up. That I would taint this perfect little baby with my own imperfections, my flaws. Every time I looked at him, I thought: he's mine and he depends on me completely. It was too scary. I never felt love like that before. Love that will crush you. Tear you apart.'

A tear runs down her cheek and she takes a deep breath. Cosima's heart aches for the blonde.

Delphine's story is almost a mirror to her own. She wasn't wanted as a baby, but her adoptive parents took her in and opened their hearts for her, whereas Delphine's parents closed themselves off. She's been lucky, to be so used to love and being loved in return. Unlike Delphine.

'It was easier to not get attached. If I didn't get attached, I couldn't get hurt and I couldn't hurt Florian. I was so panicked and so afraid. And I couldn't tell Thomas about it. He was so happy and everyone was congratulating me, telling me how happy I should be. But I wasn't. I couldn't be. It was surreal, it felt like they were talking about someone else. Like I was trapped in some other woman's life. Someone who loved Thomas and who knew how to be a mother. I was scared to death. And then, when Thomas was showing the baby to some friends who came to visit in the hospital, I got dressed and I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I hoped it would calm me down. But when I was outside, I couldn't go back inside. I just couldn't. I couldn't bear it. So I walked. I walked to the train station and bought a ticket for a train to Toronto. I cried the whole train ride. But not because I felt bad, I was relieved. I was relieved to have left my husband and my baby.'

'He didn't try to find you? Thomas?'

 _'Oui._ I sent him a text message that I had left and he shouldn't try to find me. I was afraid that he would think I was abducted and call the police. He tried to convince me to come back but I threw away my phone. He found me after some months though. He yelled at me. He cursed me for not loving him enough. For being crazy and leaving my own baby. And I told him that I could not do it. That it was too difficult. He cried and then he left. He sent me some pictures of Florian every now and then. But he never asked me to come back.'

 

* * *

 

'God, Delphine.' Cosima squeezes her hand. 'Do you think it was like a postpartum depression thing? It's hereditary sometimes. Maybe it was comparable to what your mother went through, but like, a less severe variant.'

She smiles, despite everything. Cosima's always a scientist, first and foremost.

'I don't know. But I abandoned my child, Cosima. I'm a terrible mother. The worst.'

'Hey, you're not,' Cosima shushes. 'At least you left him with someone who loved him, who took good care of him. You didn't leave him on the church steps or something.'

Delphine draws a shaky breath. 'I guess. Anyway, a little over a month ago, Thomas' brother, Vincent, came to me. He'd been looking for me for weeks. Thomas died three months ago. A car accident. I'm all Florian has now.'

'So he's been staying with you since then?'

Delphine nods and then the sobs start. 'It's too difficult. My feelings for him. I'm so scared. I know nothing about children. I'll fuck it up. He must hate me for abandoning him. How could he ever love me again? I rejected him.'

Cosima wraps her up in a hug. 'Hey, you're trying now. You're trying. You can't change the past, Delphine, but you can try to make things better for the future.' She pauses for a moment. 'Florian loves you. He's craving your affection. Don't worry. It's going to be alright.'

'It scares me so much. It's so overwhelming. So big. Bigger than me. I can't control it. And he's so fragile. So small. I'll screw it up. I've already screwed him up. I don't want to make it worse. I can't be responsible for something so precious and vulnerable. I can't. I just can't.'

'Hey, you can. I'll help you. Ssh.' Cosima whispers in her hair. 'Loving is scary, but you can't let that hold you back. You can't live without love. _'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all_.'

'I don't know, Cosima.' She stares into the younger woman's eyes and lets out a raw laugh. 'But I guess now you know what a horrible person I am. A mother who's so messed up that she abandoned her own child.'

'No. No. Delphine, you're not a horrible person... Sarah, one of my sisters, she's got Borderline Personality Disorder. Her daughter, my niece, she lives with my mom. Sarah's too restless to take care of her. Too unstable. But we don't think she's horrible. She loves Kira. She's trying really hard. And Kira is well cared for. We all adore her.'

Cosima hands gesture awkwardly while she appears to be trying to find the right words.

'I- There are so many expectations sometimes. So many molds that society expects you to fit. It can be overwhelming. But sometimes you can't fulfill these expectations. I mean, you can't like, cut your arm off to fit into a mold... Not everyone fits the norms and sometimes you have to allow yourself to deviate from those norms and expectations. To allow yourself to do it your way, even though it's different.'

Cosima pauses again.

'And I can imagine that fear can overtake you, paralyze you into thinking that doing nothing is better than trying and screwing up. But humans are social beings, you can't detach yourself from everybody else. Being passive is rarely the best course of action. No one is perfect, you don't need to be perfect. We all make mistakes and screw up.'

 

* * *

 

Delphine breaks. She crawls in Cosima's lap and Cosima swears she can literally feel her fall apart in her arms. She wails, a sound that appears to be coming from deep inside of her. From her soul.

She doesn't say anything. She doesn't tell Delphine to calm down, she doesn't tell her that everything will be okay. She just holds the blonde as she sobs.

Her shirt is getting soaked with tears and she can't feel her legs anymore, but she holds Delphine until she finally quiets down. Her sobs even out and eventually she curls up against Cosima's chest, trembling. It reminds her of a scared baby bird. A baby bird made of spun glass, breakable and fragile, huddled away in a nest made of barbed-wire.

'I'm sorry,' the blonde mumbles eventually, drying her eyes. 'I should not have let myself go like that. I'm sorry.' She wipes her eyes.

Cosima wonders how long Delphine has walked around with this burden. Torn between the desire to share her deepest, darkest secret with someone and the fear of being branded a monster.

'How many people know this about you?'

One look in Delphine's eyes and she knows the answer. No one.

'Oh Delphine.' The blonde lets out a shuddering breath. 'You should talk to someone about this. A therapist maybe. This stuff is gonna eat you alive if you don't share it.'

Delphine is silent.

After a few minutes, the other woman sits up and presses a kiss to her lips. 'Thank you for being so understanding.'

Cosima winds a blond curl around her finger. 'I like you Delphine. Really like you. Like a lot. I know you're my boss and stuff, but-'

Before Cosima can finish her sentence, Delphine turns around so she's straddling Cosima and starts to pull at her clothing, but Cosima grabs her hands.

'No. Not like this. You're feeling vulnerable right now. I don't want to take advantage of you.'

The blonde pouts and moves of Cosima's lap, though she remains seated close to her. Cosima stretches her legs, trying to get the blood flowing again.

'Will you really help me?'

'Yeah, of course. I like you. -I _more_ than like you, Delphine. I'm in love with you. I know you're scared and upset, but I'm here if you want me...'

Delphine nods. _'Merci._  I want you... To be here.' She blushes. 'I like you too. I-I want to do the best I can. For Florian. And for you. I want to try, being an us.'

'Then I'll help you.' They kiss again, it's soft and tender.

 

'Will you sleep here, tonight?' Delphine asks her as she walks the blonde to her bedroom. 'Florian is small. There's room enough for the three of us.'

She hesitates. 'Are you sure? Won't he freak out when he wakes up next morning and sees me here?'

'Of course not.'

She undresses and Delphine hands her a T-shirt, before crawling into bed. She spoons the blonde.

'Are you relieved?' she asks and Delphine nods and kisses her palm.

'I- Cosima, you can't expect me to change all of a sudden. I'm bad at this. At relationships. At being a mother. Being a girlfriend. But I'm trying. Will you remember that?'

She pauses for a second.

'I'm never going to be some warm mother figure. An ex-girlfriend once said I was _frigide_. Like ice.'

'I like you the way you are. Besides, you did pretty well as a warm mother figure tonight.'

'I'm serious, Cosima. I've seen you with Florian. With the guys at work. Even with the cleaning lady. It's so easy for you to give and receive affection. To love. Because you're used to it. You've been given love your whole life. It's different for me. But I'm trying. Will you remember when I act like a bitch?'

'I'll remember. Don't worry. We'll figure things out. We'll make it work.'

She presses a kiss in Delphine's neck. Curls tickling her nose. The blonde shivers.

 

* * *

 

 _'Delphine_ ,' a voice calls next morning. _'Delphine. Pourquoi est-elle ici?'_

Florian's little finger points at Cosima. The other woman is curled up on her side, her T-shirt has ridden up and the underside of her bare breasts is visible. She pulls up the sheets to cover Cosima's body and turns around to face her son.

'I asked her to stay. That's why she's here.'

It seems to be enough for the boy at the moment.

She rolls on her back and fingers Cosima's dreads. Did last night really happen? An ice cold fear grips around her heart all of a sudden. She shouldn't have let herself go like that. It's a miracle that Cosima's agreed to stay. Any sensible person would have run by now. Cosima would probably realize that herself when she'd wake up. She'd tell Delphine that it had been as mistake. That she'd just stayed because she felt sorry for Delphine. That she didn't mean what she said.

She braces herself for the worst, while Florian disappears under the sheets to let a toy car ride from her hip to her foot.

'Hey,' another voice calls out and she nearly jumps up. Cosima moves closer to kiss her. Her breath smells a little, but Delphine doesn't back away. She's sure her own isn't any better.

'How about I make us some breakfast?' There's a grin on the dark haired woman's face. Why is she smiling?

'Cosima, you don't need to be kind. You can go now if you want. I won't hold you responsible for what you said last night. I pressured you.'

Cosima's face falls and she puts on her glasses, blinking in confusion. 'Whoa, what the hell Delphine? Did we have a talk when I was still asleep? I have the feeling that I'm missing something.'

'It's just... I'm sorry about last night. I should not have made such a drama. I understand if you want to take back what you said.'

Cosima presses a finger to her lips, shaking her head. 'Stop talking, you dork. I'm not regretting anything and I'm not gonna take anything back. I'm honored that you opened up to me. Okay?'

Delphine nods. Cosima really loves her, she realizes. It's written all over her face. _Pauvre fille._ Poor girl _._

The younger woman presses another kiss to her lips.

'Cool. I'm gonna make some pancakes. You wanna help, Florian?'

The boy lifts his head from underneath the sheets.

'Are you even able to breath under there?' Cosima asks, shaking her head. Her dreadlocks sway from left to right.

'I like it here. Unless Delphine farts.'

_'Tais-toi.'_

Cosima snorts. 'You wanna make pancakes?'

The boy nods and when Cosima makes her way to the kitchen, he jumps up to follow her.

 

Delphine slips on her clothes. She's trembling. She's going to screw this up. Break Cosima's heart and mess up Florian even more in the process.

Cosima is a much better mother figure than she is, it seems to come so naturally to her. The both of them would probably be better off without her. She certainly doesn't deserve either of them. Quietly she takes her coat from the rack and makes her way outside.

She buys cigarettes at a corner shop and sits down on a bench outside. She smokes three fags in a row and watches her apartment building in the distance. She can't make out what's going on inside from where's she's sitting, but she can imagine Cosima flipping the pancakes without a spatula and Florian dipping his little fingers in the batter when the dreadlocked woman isn't looking.

They don't need her.

She plays around with the thought of leaving. She won't. Rationally, she knows she can't leave, if only for the fact that it would be much more difficult now with her job. And Cosima has no legal ties to Florian, she wouldn't be allowed to take care of him. He'd end up in foster care if Vincent wouldn't step up. His already difficult childhood would be getting even worse. Still she wonders what Cosima would do. Would Florian miss her?

She takes a drag from her cigarette, pushing those thoughts away and mustering up courage to return.

Her phone starts buzzing a few minutes later. It's Cosima. She doesn't need to read the name in the display to know that.

When she doesn't pick up, a text appears. _I can see you. Don't make me come down to drag your ass back in here._

She looks up to her apartment again and sees two people standing on the balcony.

A few minutes later another text appears. _OK, please come back, I think I locked us out. Florian slid the door closed and apparently that locks it???!!_

Delphine looks up at the building again. _Delphine, I'm not kidding. There's no handle on the outside. Please tell me what to do or come the fuck back_.

Despite everything she giggles. _I'm freezing my ass off and I really need to pee. If you don't come back quickly, I might be forced to pee off your balcony with Florian watching._

She stands up, still snickering, as she walks back to the apartment. Her phone buzzes again. _I'm really freaking out. You better be coming to free us._

The apartment smells lovely, like fresh baked pancakes, but as soon as she enters she can hear Cosima's fist banging on the glass door. She can't help but laugh as she opens the door and frees the two of them from their precarious position.

'Thank God,' Cosima murmurs, she brushes past Delphine and runs to the bathroom, presumably to empty her full bladder.

 _'J'ai froid,'_ Florian pouts and she hugs him and rubs his arms to warm him.

' _Allez_ , I'll make some tea. That will heat you up.'

Cosima joins them at the table a few moments later. She's wrapped up in a woolen vest that she must have stolen from Delphine's closet.

'I was... I wanted...' She wants to explain to Cosima why she sneaked out, but she can't find the right words.

'-You came back,' Cosima states. 'That's all that matters.' She grabs Delphine's hand and kisses it. She smiles and winks as Delphine looks up at her.

Florian looks at the both of them in wonder. 'Are you girlfriends now?'

'Your mom and I are in love,' Cosima replies, after Delphine looks at her helplessly, silently begging her to answer.

'Eww. Are you going to kiss with your tongues?'

'Yes. All the time. Especially when you're around,' Cosima deadpans. Florian pretends to be puking and hides his eyes as Cosima presses a kiss to her lips.

The younger woman frowns though and makes a face. 'You taste like cigarettes.'

Florian giggles. ' _Elle n'aime pas les cendriers_.'

Cosima looks at him in confusion. 'What?'

'He says you don't like ashtrays.'

'Well, it's true,' Cosima teases. 'But I'm sure you taste better after you've eaten your pancakes.'

 

* * *

 

Delphine can be incredibly frustrating, Cosima discovers in the weeks that follow. Sometimes it really feels like one step forwards means two steps back, though slowly but steadily they make progress.

After some gentle prodding, Cosima makes an appointment for both Delphine and Florian with a family therapist. Delphine goes twice a week, once on her own and once with Florian. She's reluctant at first, but after a few sessions, she admits that it makes her see things more clearly. It helps to take the sharpest edge of the anxiety away. It's bearable now. Manageable.

It makes Delphine more fun, she's less hesitant in her interaction with both Florian and Cosima. Less withdrawn, more comfortable to show her personality.

At work she's still serious though. She's very adamant about not telling anyone about their relationship so Cosima keeps her mouth shut, even to Scott. After one of her visits to Delphine's office ends up in a heavy make-out session, she's even banned from coming into Delphine's office unless it's a work-related emergency.

Cosima's helped Delphine to clear out her study to turn it into a bedroom for Florian though and finally she's managed to convince the blonde to take a day off from work to paint the room and set up new furniture while Florian is with Mary-Ellen. They mess around with the paint, Delphine paints a smiley face on Cosima's belly and in her turn she splatters paint all over Delphine's bare feet. Both of them are satisfied with the result though. Florian's room is really looking nice.

Delphine cries when she sees how happy the boy is with his new room. He keeps running around, touching everything and admiring every detail.

'Do you like it?' Cosima asks. 'Your mom and I worked real hard today.'

'Yes!' He's being shy, not looking her in the eye and playing with a stuffed animal. Then finally, he moves closer to give her a hug. 'Thank you, Cosima.'

It's not a completely selfless deed, Cosima thinks to herself as she hugs him back, though the boy really needed to have his own place in Delphine's apartment. It's an important step for both him and the blonde to making him a permanent addition to Delphine's life.

However, it will also make the love-making a little easier. She and Delphine haven't gone any further than kissing, primarily because Florian's sleeping in Delphine's bed.

 

'I want to fuck you,' she tells Delphine that night as they lie in bed.

For the first time it's just the two of them.

'I want to see your face as you lose control and come all over my fingers.' She can see Delphine's eyes going nearly black with arousal.

However, before she can put her words into action, Florian opens the door.

'I don't want it closed.' He's crying a little. 'Don't close it.'

Cosima groans while Delphine steps out of bed to comfort the boy.

'Sorry,' the blonde smiles apologetically when she comes back. 'It's just for a while. A few weeks maybe, until he's used to sleeping in his own room.'

'Yeah. I understand. Doesn't mean I'm happy with it though.'

' _Pauvre petit chiot_.' Delphine moves closer to kiss her softly.

'You're the puppy.'

Delphine moves away after a while. 'Cosima, maybe we should talk a little.'

'About what?'

'You know... Sex.'

She wiggles her eyebrows. 'Well, you have a kid so I kinda assumed you know how everything works.'

The blonde rolls her eyes. 'Brat. I just mean, it's been a long time for me. Since I last had... You know.'

'How long?'

'Before Florian was born.'

'Whew.' Cosima lets out a breath. 'That's a long time indeed.'

She pokes her finger in Delphine's side, a playful look on her face. 'So Florian's the last person who's been in your vagina?'

'What?' Delphine lets out an undignified squeak and frowns. ' _Mon dieu_ Cosima _,_ did your mother drop you as a baby or something? Sometimes I swear you're not right in the head!'

She's perplexed by Delphine's apt reaction for a moment and then bursts into a fit of giggles. 'I don't know. I was adopted, so maybe she did.'

'You're adopted?' She can hear the surprise in Delphine's voice.

'Yeah. We all are. My brother and sisters as well. My parents couldn't have children of their own, so they decided to adopt.'

'How old were you?'

'A baby. Only a few days old, so the chances of my mother having dropped me are fairly slim.' She sticks out her tongue. 'I was really sick though, premature. Everyone thought I was gonna die or be severely handicapped at least. But my parents never even considered calling off the adoption.'

'Did you ever try to find your birth parents?'

'Nah. I know my birth mother died when I was a teenager. She got this really rare type of cancer.' She searches for the right words, not wanting to hurt Delphine. 'She was a teenager herself when she had me, I'm sure she had her reasons. But she's not my real mom. She didn't raise me.'

The blonde swallows. 'I understand.'

She's quiet though and curls up on her side.

Cosima grabs her hand and plays with it. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to like, offend you or anything. That's just how it feels to me. It's got nothing to do with how I think about you and Florian.'

'I know. You don't have to apologize. It just makes me wonder, if Thomas hadn't died... Would Florian ever have searched for me? Would I have let him in if he showed up on my doorstep?'

Cosima doesn't reply. Instead she brings Delphine's hand to her lips to kiss it and Delphine sighs.

'He's here now,' Cosima eventually whispers. 'You can't change the past. But he's here now. Preventing me from fucking you senseless, but he's here.'

Delphine hits her on the head with a pillow.

 

* * *

 

Cosima asks her sister for information about the Toronto school system and helps her to pick out a school for Florian. He can start in a few weeks. She's sure he will enjoy it.

It feels strange to share these parenting decisions with Cosima. They've only been together for a couple of weeks, but it feels much longer. Cosima is respectful of her boundaries though, she offers advice but she doesn't pressure Delphine. After all, Florian is her son. She's very grateful for Cosima's input however, the dark haired woman knows much more about children than Delphine.

 

'Are you going to cook today?' Florian asks one night as she's cutting up some vegetables.

' _Oui_. Cosima is going to her sister for dinner. To Alison. So it's just the two of us. Do you want to help me?'

He shakes his head, though he keeps a close eye on her movements, as if he's a food critic, roaming around in a restaurant kitchen.

'Is Cosima going to live with us?' he asks, suddenly.

'I don't know. Not now. Maybe some day. Would you like her to?'

He shrugs. 'She is a good cook.' She squints at him.

'What are you saying, _pollison?'_

He has a cheeky grin on his face. She's reminded of his father and swallows.

 

'Are you excited about going to school?' she asks him when the both of them are sitting at the table, eating their dinner. He's silent for a moment, thinking about his answer. Finally he nods.

'Do you think the children want to make friends with me?'

'I'm sure they will. You're a nice boy, they will all like you.'

He nods, a little uncertain. ' _Tu m'aimes_?' He asks.

The question is loaded, meaning both "do you like me?" and "do you love me?" in French, but her response is automatic.

' _Oui_. Of course I do, you're my son. _Je t'aime_.'

It's out of her mouth without her even thinking about it. It's only afterwards that all of her insecurities about the abandonment and her lack of involvement in his life enter her brain.

He must be thinking about the same thing she is, because the next thing he says is:

' _Papa_ said you left because you were ill in your head.' He doesn't ask it like a question, but she's sure he wants an answer. He deserves it.

'Yes.' She wouldn't have worded it like that herself, but she supposes in some way you could see it as an illness. Fear of attachment. After all agoraphobia is also seen as a disorder.

'But I'm better now,' she adds. 'Barbara is helping me. And Cosima as well. I won't leave again.'

She'll explain it to him later, when he's older. They will discuss it then, when he'll be able to understand the responsibility of having a child. Of having someone depend on you completely.

'Do you swear it?' he asks.

He spits on his hand and holds it out for her. She does the same.

'You can never break a spit swear,' he says in a serious voice, his little face has a strict expression.

'I won't leave again. I swear.'

She wipes her hand on her pants.

Florian seems satisfied with her answer, he stabs a large piece of potato with his fork and puts the whole thing inside of his mouth. His cheeks are puffy and she grins at him.

'I have a surprise for you,' she says, after he's finished eating. She walks to the fridge and comes back with two pieces of cake.

'Don't tell, Cosima,' she winks at him. 'But it's perfectly fine to have cake for dinner sometimes. It will be our little secret.'

He munches happily on his cake and both of them laughing at each other as they fool around with the whipped cream.

 

When she brings him to bed he has a surprise for her.

'Delphine? You can close the door,' he tells her as she leaves his room after reading to him. They've been practicing, closing the door a little more every night, but she hadn't expected him to be there yet.

'Are you sure? We can leave it open a little if you want to?'

' _Non_. You don't have to. Cosima talks loud and then I can't sleep.'

'Okay. _Bonne nuit, mon amour_.'

 

* * *

 

'So tonight's the night?' Cosima asks when she comes home and eyes the closed door. She's been to her sister's place to have dinner and her girlfriend shivers when she cups her face to kiss her with her ice cold hands.

Delphine pouts. 'You make it sound like a task.'

Cosima laughs and takes off her coat. 'Trust me, it isn't.'

 

She's very gentle when they've moved to the bed, moments later, carefully watching Delphine's reactions, making sure that she's enjoying herself.

'I probably won't last long,' the blonde confesses when she's massaging her through her panties.

'We can go again,' Cosima whispers. 'Just let your body enjoy itself. It doesn't matter.'

Delphine reaches her peak a couple of minutes later. Cosima's suckling on a nipple and still only touching her through her underwear.

She doesn't stop there though. Instead she helps Delphine to take off her wet panties and hoists one of her legs over her shoulder.

She wants to memorize the sight and the smell. It's so beautiful.

For a moment she thinks she could be content by just looking at this. At Delphine lying in front of her, spread open and vulnerable.

Delphine gasps as Cosima's tongue parts her labia, tasting her wetness. ' _Oh mon dieu_.' Cosima smiles wickedly as her tongue starts playing with Delphine's clit and it doesn't take long for the blonde to come again.

She cries a little in Cosima's shoulder afterwards, but it's just a few tears. No sobbing this time and Cosima's grateful for that. Grateful that Delphine has enjoyed herself, that her emotions seem to be lighter.

 

She spreads her legs eagerly when Delphine pushes her on her back. The blonde takes her time kissing her way down Cosima's body, paying special attention to the tattoo on her hip. It's an atom, smaller than the ones on Cosima's arms and she's sure that Delphine realizes that there's a story behind it, but the older woman doesn't ask about it.

'You smell so good,' Delphine moans as she nuzzles the tuft of hair above Cosima's sex. It's been a long time since anyone has done this for her and it's so different. Her feelings for Delphine are so much stronger than for any other person she's had sex with. Delphine seems to revel in it as well, pressing teasing kisses to her flesh, leaving her tingling all over.

Cosima lets out a whiny: 'C'mon Delphine.' She's so wet that the fluid is starting to seep into the sheets and then Delphine takes a long lick, moaning at her first taste of Cosima.

She lets her tongue enter Cosima while her fingers play with her clit, varying the pressure to learn what her lover likes. After Cosima's body tightens around her, she moves to take the little bud between her lips and slides two fingers inside Cosima's pussy, fucking her with a steady rhythm.

Cosima's sobbing with relief when she reaches her orgasm, her legs clenching around Delphine's head. 'Oh fuck Delphine. Oh God.'

She knows that there's a dopey smile on her face when Delphine moves up to kiss her mouth.

'Amazing. You're amazing.'

 

* * *

 

They make it work. She meets Cosima's mother and her brother and sisters. Florian is excited about Cosima's nieces and nephews and she's happy that he gets along with them so easily. That he isn't as tainted as she is. His heart is open and he attaches in a healthy way.

'We do what we can,' Siobhan tells her. She isn't sure what Cosima has told her mother, but the older woman seems to know a lot.

'I'm trying,' she responds. 'To make things right.' Siobhan squeezes her knee.

'That's all you can do. Sometimes it will take months or years. And sometimes it will never be right again.' She watches Kira, who's showing Cosima how to do a handstand. 'But at least we can say we've done everything we can. And children are surprisingly resilient.'

Siobhan grabs a photograph and hands it to Delphine. 'Who'd ever thought that this fragile baby, hooked up to all those machines, would grow into such a vivacious and intelligent young woman?'

Without thinking she presses the picture of baby Cosima to her lips, kissing the tiny, vulnerable infant through the frame. She blushes when she realizes that Siobhan is watching her with an amused smile on her face. Quickly she wipes away the remains of her lipstick on the glass.

'It's alright, chicken,' Siobhan chuckles. 'I'm glad that you feel so passionate about our little sunfish.'

'You better be good to her,' Cosima's adoptive brother butts in. 'Or we'll destroy your career.'

'Felix,' his mother tuts, her hand on Delphine's arm. 'Be nice. Delphine is part of the family now.'

 

Delphine calls Vincent, but gets so nervous that she vomits in her lap and hands the phone to Cosima, who stutters in French, but manages to arrange a meeting in a park somewhere.

He bites his lip when he sees Cosima playing tag with Florian, tears in his eyes. Nevertheless he grabs her hand and says: 'I'm happy that she can give you what he couldn't.' It stings.

 _'Je_ _suis désolée_ ,' she sobs. 'I'm so sorry I did not love him enough.'

His thumb strokes her hand and he squeezes it. _' Je sais._  Love... Love can't be forced. You can't lock up your heart in a cage.'

'Are you okay with him staying with me? You can come to see him, of course. Whenever you want. He- I- We would like that.'

He nods. 'Yes. Of course. I brought him to you in the hope that...' Both of them are silent.

 

Life goes on. Florian starts school, he adjusts easily to the other children and he does well. Cosima stays over every night and Delphine is feeling better. She feels calmer, more at ease with her life.

 

Everything is fine, until one afternoon, Cosima comes into her office and hands her a letter.

'You're resigning?'

'In a couple of months.'

She gasps and swallows the bile that rises in her throat. 'Why Cosima?' Her voice is cold and emotionless.

'Wow, Delphine,' Cosima mutters. 'Don't- Dude, it's not like that. I got the PhD position. At the university. Here in Toronto. This is what I wanted, you know?'

_'Quoi?'_

'I can get my doctorate. And it'll make things easier. We don't have to sneak around in the lab anymore. I can just be your girlfriend instead of your secret lover slash subordinate.'

_'Viens ici.'_

Cosima steps into her arms and she kisses her hungrily. Their tongues battle for dominance.

'Congratulations, _chérie_. I'm so proud of you.'

Cosima's face is beaming.

'Why on earth didn't you just tell me that instead of scaring me with that letter?' She rolls her eyes.

'It's more fun that way,' the younger woman grins. 'Obvs.'

'You're such a brat, Cosima.'

'Do you think you could make an exception to your no-sex-in-the-office-rule?'

She frowns, though there's an amused smile on her face. 'Are you deaf? I just told you you're a brat. The doctors should have cut off your ears instead of your umbilical cord when you were born, you're not using them anyway.'

Cosima snorts. 'Dork. You have such a weird sense of humor. But c'mon Delphine, just this once. To celebrate.'

'Fine,' she pretends to be exasperated, but her panties are already wet. 'Just be quiet, I don't want any of the guys to find out.'

'I'll try my best.'

 

* * *

 

Cosima gasps as Delphine locks the door and drops down to her knees in front of her. The blonde pulls her tights down her legs and hungrily kisses her thighs, occasionally nipping at the sensitive skin. Cosima's panties are soaked and her girlfriend pulls them off as well. She nuzzles the coarse hair around Cosima's sex.

'You smell so good.'

Cosima moans and spreads her legs and the blonde dives in eagerly. She pushes her tongue inside Cosima, lapping up her wetness. She kisses and flicks Cosima's excited clitoris and pulls the swollen little bud between her lips.

 _'Je_ _t'aime,'_  Delphine sighs. Her eyes are closed and it seems like she doesn't even realize saying those words, but Cosima hears it and moans again. Delphine enters her with two fingers and she starts a steady rhythm. It doesn't take long. Cosima falls apart quickly, like always. Her hips bucking and her legs tightening around Delphine's head.

 _'Mon amour,'_  the blonde coos. 'You are so beautiful when you come, _ma belle_. I could watch you all day.'

When she moves up, Cosima wastes no time in pulling down her pants and panties. She doesn't bother taking off Delphine's shoes, instead leaving the garments halfway down her legs as she bends Delphine over the edge of her desk.

'Please, inside,' her girlfriend begs, too impatient for Cosima's teasing foreplay. Cosima moves on from pressing kisses to her neck and parts the blonde's labia with a teasing finger.

'Cosima,' she whines and Cosima pushes two fingers inside and fucks her slowly.

'I love you too, baby,' the dark haired woman mumbles. She gasps. 'You're so wet.'

'Faster, please.'

Cosima obliges and within seconds Delphine reaches her peak. She adores the feeling of Delphine's muscles tightening around her fingers, the moans and the wetness that drips down her hand.

 _'Ma chérie,'_  Delphine sighs, turning around so she can kiss Cosima. 'That was _magnifique_.'

Cosima licks her fingers and then pulls Delphine in for a bruising kiss. 'You're so beautiful baby. I love you.'

'I love you too.' The words are awkward from Delphine's tongue, but the blonde doesn't shy away, she doesn't hide or tremble. She looks Cosima straight in the eye as she repeats the phrase. 'I love you too.'

 

* * *

 

Cosima cooks a festive meal with Florian to celebrate her PhD position. The boy is just as excited as she is, even though he hardly understands what's going on.

'Cosima's going back to school, _maman_. Just like me!'

Her heart skips a beat. _Maman?_  She swallows.

'Yes, she is. To university.'

He beams at her and she pulls him in for a hug. Cosima wants to snap a picture of them, but Florian whines: 'No. You should be in the picture too!'

It's a selfie. A happy selfie. The beginning of something new.

 

 


End file.
